…one of those days where I wake up late, lay around tired for a while, and then have a fun night— not doing anything productive that I want to.
I’m okay with that. I am PERFECTLY okay with that… I just don’t like the lethargic, laying around waiting for something to happen feeling now. I want to either sleep, or do something. Meh. I don’t want to clean my room, but I hate it messy. I don’t want to do anything in particular right now… I mean… sleep sounds good. But that’s pathetic. I just want to rest. This summer has NOT been that, at all… even though I don’t spend it doing things I want to do… which sucks a lot. I wish I could go somewhere… do something with my summer… but oh well?
The feeling of not feeling anything about having spoken to the only grandmother I have known my entire life for the last time… in my life. The feeling of guilt that comes with that is making me so upset- just plainly upset.
This is a very complex dealing right now, so I guess since I have ten minutes before I have to leave for work this is not the time to try and address it. But… I just wanted to try and come to terms with that.
The last time I will ever talk to her. I mean, it’s not like I ever talked to her to begin with, really. Before this last phone call, I cannot remember the last time I talked to her at all. But… just the same. That idea? It’s making me feel like I wasted all the years I had where she has been here- That’s hypocritical becuase I have never done anything but complain about what a horrible grandmother she has been. But honestly? I don’t know. Maybe I could have tried harder.
Maybe I should just stop thinking about it before I go to work so I can actually try and pass the time there without crying. That’d be great.
…to go to work tonight. I mean, it’s not that bad- it’s closing tonight- which I love, and it’s only three and a half hours. But I just don’t want to deal with getting ready, and going and coming home.. it’s just annoying. I don’t want to put any effort into taking a shower, and putting makeup on, and picking out an outfit- it’s not an extraordinary amount of work, I know… it’s just… not what I want to do. I just want to clean my room and take a shower, and sit and read all my books that have been piling up for months.
I would also like to listen to some Jason Maraz. Stop judging me- I like that album. On that topic - I would like to address exactly why I like his album so much.
I don’t think I realized quite why I liked it so much until yesterday when I was trying to defend my CD choice to Andre.
I relate to it so much- well- I related to it so much. I have never found songs that so perfectly describe my failed friendship/relationship thing from a while ago. It is exactly the feelings that we had (from what was conveyed to me) and it sucks.
Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say Kind of turn themselves into blades
Oh well. I guess I’ll just go shower and get my room cleaned up for a bit before I have to go to work.
Maybe I’ll just mess around and blog a little more. Who knows?
I’ve known this opinion has existed for some time- I just never really looked up much of what he said.
So much win for him…
“Both Rowling and Meyer, they’re speaking directly to young people… The real difference is that Jo Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephenie Meyer can’t write worth a darn. She’s not very good….People are attracted by the stories, by the pace, and in the case of Stephenie Meyer, it’s very clear that she’s writing to a whole generation of girls and opening up kind of a safe joining of love and sex in those books. It’s exciting and it’s thrilling and it’s not particularly threatening because it’s not overtly sexual…..A lot of the physical side of it is conveyed in things like, the vampire will touch her forearm or run a hand over skin, and she just flushes all hot and cold. And for girls, that’s a shorthand for all the feelings that they’re not ready to deal with yet.”
“Ron had had a fit of gallantry and insisted that Hermione sleep on the cushions from the sofa, so that her silhouette was raised above his. Her arm curved to the floor, her fingers inches from Ron’s. Harry wondered whether they had fallen asleep holding hands. The idea made him feel strangely lonely.”—JK Rowling - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
I don’t really know who I should pick as my favorite female character. Instantly, I think of Hermione and Mrs. Weasley… Luna is cute, but annoying. Ginny isn’t in the books enough for her to contend with the other two… I already said I hated Cho… Obviously all the Death Eaters are out… eh…
I’ll go with Hermione. Gosh, that’s such an odd name… haha. She’s strong, she’s smart, she’s sensible, and she generally reminds me of me- her stubbornness, and how she gets easily frustrated with other people… that sort of thing. I don’t know what else to say! She’s wonderful. She stays strong in all of the books… and I just love her. Without her, the stories would NOT be the same.
…really post on here anymore unless it’s a quick anecdote, or a picture… or something Harry Potter. Not to say that’s wrong- it’s just not what my original intent for this blog was… So I think I’ll actually BLOG today.
… to describe how messed up my mind is right now- I mean, I can’t even finish a complete thought, let alone write a sentence. I’m so SO many emotions right now, my brain doesn’t know which way to go… which way to turn I swear I don’t know what I’m even saying.
INCEPTION IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I HAVE SEEN ALL YEAR, AND THE MOST ORIGIONAL SCREENPLAY I THINK I HAVE EVER SEEN ON FILM. IT IS PHENOMINAL. IT IS MIND BLOWING. IT IS all these things because of how screwed up I feel right now… and if there’s anything I got from that movie, it’s a heightend sense of how to feel, how I feel.
oh god. I’m not going to be asleep for so many hours to come. I am living in a DREAM.
(and I probably sound like I”m on some kind of drug, I swear I’m not. Just Junior Mints and the GREATEST MOVIE I HAVE SEEN IN SO LONG)
But I take a lot of offense to “army chic” and that bull shit that’s “in” right now. I’m the first one to try out a new trend (florals, tribal, etc etc etc) but this trend is pissing me the HELL OFF.
ARMY IS NOT CHIC. WAR IS NOT CHIC. YOU ARE NOT SUPPORTING YOUR TROOPS WITH KAHKI GREEN TANK TOPS.
WAR IS BLOODY, DIRTY, AND ALL OTHER THINGS HORRIBLE - NOT A FASHION STATEMENT.
People, please, take two minutes to understand- this is probably the worst “trend” in a long time. I do not, in any way, support it. I take personal offense to it. I find it degrading, demeaning, and if nothing else- horribly tacky.
It just… bothers me. I mean, I was never IN the army, but ever since A Piece of My Heart, I even dislike dog tag “necklaces”. I’m sorry, do you know the denotation of dog tags? They’re to identify bodies- the dead. I don’t particularly care to see you wearing them with the Jonas Brothers on them, thanks. I think that’s horrible.
I just logged on to Rue La La to look at the boutiques on there, and there is one called
That’s a place in Vietnam, I know. That’s a reference to the army, the Vietnam war.
HOW ABOUT WE DON’T, OKAY? This is a brand. DA NANG IS NOT A BRAND. It is a location. Leave it alone, get some tact, and have some cultural awareness.
"Where is He? Here He is -- He is hanging here on this gallows"
-Elie Wiesel from Night
After reading this book for the first time not too many months ago, I was struck with the horror of how very real the Holocaust was. How very real, and how very many people were truly affected by it- how I was affected by just hearing about it scared me.
I learned so much in those few weeks spent studying it in class- and on that trip to the Holocaust Memorial Center- but I still feel ignorant; like I don’t know anything, like I can’t possibly fathom how horrible all of it was… and I’m sure I can’t.
If I could go back to last summer and re-write that college admittance essay that asked me about the most influential book I have read, Night would win-hands down.
You see, earlier this past school year, I had my eyes opened to understanding. True understanding of something that I did not experience but came as close to as I could. That experience, I feel, opened me up- allowed me to have a broader scope; less of a sheltered life, if you will, so by the time I got to studying about the Holocaust, I am able to comprehend more, faster… but even so- it was such an immense thing, I don’t know really if I could ever understand it all… or if I really want to.
The people that do understand it fully, or at least understand what it was to live through it, had no choice in the matter, really… so to say I want to be one of them is completely unjustified, and not what I mean.
I recently borrowed a copy of the Night trilogy from Dan, and keep meaning to pick it up and read it, but I never do. I mean, I haven’t had it for that long and I haven’t had a lot of free time to read it, but whatever.
I dunno. I suppose all of this is trying to say that I really feel horrible about not working on the Darfur benefit show I’m helping to host more. That needs to happen. This week- it all has to be set. It’s less than a month away!
“We were masters of nature, masters of the world. We had forgotten everything—death, fatigue, our natural needs. Stronger than cold or hunger, stronger than the shots and the desire to die, condemned and wandering, mere numbers, we were the only men on earth”—Elie Wiesel from Night
“The night was gone. The morning star was shining in the sky. I too had become a completely different person. The student of the Talmud, the child that I was, had been consumed in the flames. There remained only a shape that looked like me. A dark flame had entered into my soul and devoured it.”—Elie Wiesel from Night
Life is so happy right now, despite everything sucky. I do have such a wonderful life, and such wonderful people in it. I am so thankful for all of the people in my world! You make every day - even the horribly icky ones - wonderful in some way.
…it’s barely early afternoon, and the rest of my day is already laid out for me… and it’s nothing I want to do.
As soon as I’m done posting this, I am going to go wash my face, go back downstairs and get my coffee. Then I’ll come up to my room again, get on my laptop, put some music on, drink my coffee, until around 3 o’clock. I will then proceed to hurry and get ready, go to Giselle’s again to let Zeus out and give him more food, go to work from 5:30 until 9:30, come home, shower, call my Nana (UDGASFL;SIDFJSD NO I DON’T WANNA), finish my FAFSA stuff that’s accepting my financial aid, and go to bed super late. I will then get up at 6:30, leave for my placement exams, go take those, come home and sleep (or attempt to) until I have to go run by grad parties around 3 and work at 6:15, then I will come home and crash.
I JUST WANT IT ALL TO BE OVER WITH. NONE OF THIS SOUNDS FUN TO ME, NOR WILL IT BE FUN. FASDFKSDFS AL;DKSFJAKS;LDFJLASKDJF ADF I WANT MY SUMMER BACK.